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Most of us really dont like it when someone is angry at us. We dont like it when people go into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We dont like it when people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We dont like it when people make demands on us and do not respect our right or need to say no. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid the soul loneliness and pain we feel when people treat us in angry, resistant, demanding and uncaring ways.

It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our childrens anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. The more we deny our own truth and our own needs and feelings, the more our children will disrespect and discount us. Our children become a mirror of our own behavior, discounting us when we discount ourselves, disrespecting us when we disrespect ourselves. The more we give ourselves up to avoid our childrens unloving behavior toward us, the more we become objectified as the all-giving and loving parent who doesnt need anything for ourselves. When we do this, we are role-modeling being a caretaker.

On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and our children to expect our children to take responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to demand that our children give themselves up to prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It is unloving to demand that they be the way we want them to be rather than who they are. It is unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, rather than limits that support their health and safety. When we behave in this way, we are role-modeling being a taker.

The challenge of good parenting is to find the balanced between being there for our children and being there for ourselves, as well as the balance between freedom and responsibility – to be personally responsible to ourselves rather than be a taker or a caretaker.

Our decisions need to be based on what is in the highest good of our children as well as ourselves. If a child wants something that is not in our highest good to give, then it is not loving to give it. If we want something that is not in the highest good of our children, then it is not loving for us to expect it. It is loving to support our childrens freedom to choose what they want and to be themselves, as long as it doesnt mean giving ourselves up. Children do not learn responsible behavior toward others when their parents discount their own needs and feelings to support what their children want. Our own freedom to choose what we want and to be ourselves needs to be just as important to us as our childrens freedom and desires.

On the other hand, if we always put our needs before our childrens, we are behaving in a self-centered, narcissistic way that limits our childrens freedom. We are training our children to be caretakers, to give themselves up for others needs and not consider their own.

The challenge of loving parenting is to role-model behavior that is personally responsible, rather than being a taker or caretaker. This is our best chance for bringing up personally responsible children. However, we need to remember that we can do everything right as a parent, but our children are on their own path, their own souls journey. They will make their own choices to be loving or unloving, responsible or irresponsible. We can influence their choices, but we cant control them. They have free will, just as we do, to choose who they want to be each moment of their lives. All we can do is the very best we can to role-model loving, personally responsible behavior – behavior that supports our own and our childrens highest good.

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Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and written books on parenting and relationships, Ive discovered that one of the greatest challenges for us as parents is to be loving role-models for our children, showing our children through our behavior how to take personal responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Our children need to learn from our role-modeling how to nurture themselves within and how to create a sense of safety in the world. In families where both a mother and father are present, both parents can participate in nurturing the child emotionally and taking care of the child in the world, and both parents can role-model what it looks like to do this for themselves.

Single parents have a far greater challenge – they have to be both mother and father to the child. Mothering energy is that energy that nurtures while fathering energy is that energy that protects in the world – that is, earning money, setting boundaries with others, speaking up for oneself. While our society often defines women as the nurturers and men as the protectors, both men and women are capable of both nurturing and protecting in the world.

In order for a single parent to successfully be both mother and father, he or she must have learned how to be both mother and father to the Child within. In other words, we have to have learned how to nurture our own Inner Child – how to take responsibility for our own fears, pain, anger, hurt, and disappointment, and how to take care of our Inner Child in the world – earn money, set boundaries, and so on. There is no way to successfully teach our children these skills until we are doing them ourselves, which means that each of us needs to be in a process of learning how to do this.

We have developed a process that teaches us how to care for and nurture ourselves, while also loving others. This process, called Inner Bonding, teaches us how to become a loving Adult to our own Inner Child and to our actual children. Inner Bonding is a six-step psychospiritual process that can be learned and practiced daily, and that leads to the development of a spiritually-connected loving inner Adult.

Inner Bonding defines the Inner Child as our core self, who we are when we are born – our natural creativity, intuition, playfulness, imagination, talents, feelings, and ability to love. Our Child is our inner experience. Our Adult is everything we learn after we are born. It is our thoughts, beliefs, and ability to take action. We start learning how to be an Adult from the moment we are born through watching our parents and other caregivers. The Adult we learn to be is a child-adult, the part of us that learned many fears and false beliefs and learned addictive ways, such as using substances, TV, spending, anger, or compliance to avoid pain. A true loving Adult is that part of us that is spiritually connected to a Higher Source of truth and love and is able to bring that truth and love down into the Child and share it with others. The adult many of us operate from most of the time is really a wounded child masquerading as an adult. It is our unhealed wounded self that causes us problems with ourselves and our children. Inner Bonding is a process for healing the wounded self and developing a spiritually-connected loving Adult.

In Inner Bonding, there are only two possible intents at any given moment: the intent to learn about love and the intent to protect against and avoid pain. The intent to learn says that we want to learn about our own pain in order to understand what we need to do to be loving to our Inner Child and others; The intent to protect says that we want to avoid experiencing our pain at all cost. The child-adult is always in the intent to protect and the loving Adult is always in the intent to learn.

The six-steps of Inner Bonding are:

1. The willingness to become aware of our pain rather than protect against it with our various addictions.

2. The conscious decision to move into the intent to learn.

3. Dialoguing with our wounded self to discover the false beliefs and resulting behavior behind the pain. Releasing anger and pain in appropriate ways.

4. Dialoguing with our Higher Power to learn about truth and loving behavior.

5. Taking loving action in behalf or our Inner Child.

6. Evaluating the action.

All parents needs to be in a process of healing themselves. It is particularly important for single parents to be in this process since they are the primary role-models for their children. The more you heal the fears and false beliefs of your wounded self, the more loving you will naturally be with yourself and your children. Learning to utilize these six step throughout the day, especially in times of anger, fear, anxiety and stress, will eventually heal the false beliefs leading to these difficult feelings.

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I am commonly asked questions like “Why is my teenager always angry with me?” Parents DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Teenagers are generally not angry with you they are just plain angry. This anger can vary from resentment right through to actual rage. What you are seeing is not the anger itself but a behavior.

The emotion is the anger, but what we see is the reaction to the anger that is the behavior.

Some Teens withdraw and repress their anger whilst others may become violent and destroy property or physically aggressive to other people.

You, the adult need to understand that teenage anger is an emotion not a behavior. So, the teen doesn’t have to act out their behaviors in the way they do. The anger is frequently triggered by something going on in their life and this may be as simple as being unable to do a math problem. They may get up and walk along the corridor and punch the wall or kick a trash can, but they are NOT ANGRY WITH YOU.

This anger is usually with themselves and some perceived inadequacy. They are fearful and in this case it is the fear of failure. Your teen is on an emotional roller coaster dealing with issues of identity, relationships, the future, and all their hormones are going crazy at the same time. Understand this and you are able to accept that when your teen is angry it is generally not aimed at you. Regularly your teen is frustrated and angry with themselves. It’s really important that you the parent, don’t react to the teen with your own anger – because this just sets up a pattern of reactive behavior from parent to teen, going back and forth and ultimately achieving nothing positive. This is the time that people say things that they don’t mean and the situation gets out of control. In this situation it is essential to remember you are the adult, so stop reacting. You need to focus on what your teen is feeling, and this is a way of defusing their anger. At this time your teen needs some acknowledgement of their feelings. So what I want you to do when this occurs is respond starting with the word “you”. It is very easy for us to fall into the pattern of “I can’t stand it when you.. ” , “I told you to…”. These are both statements in which you are responding with anger, so i want you to focus on them and their needs and commence with “you”. For example, “you sound really frustrated”, “you seem really distressed” or “you seem really angry today”. We all know how much better we feel when someone else acknowledges our feelings. “You’re really sad today”. After you have acknowledged their feelings it is important that you let go of the situation and at another time when the teen is not highly emotive address the issues. For example; ask them if they had any warning signs that they were getting angry and could soon lose self control. Often before a teen (or adult for that matter) loses control and the anger escalated into something quite ferocious, they usually find that they are clenching their fists, shaking their legs, tapping their foot or possibly they develop sweaty palms. of course each person has a different sign. If your teen acknowledges for instance that they get sweaty palms just prior to an angry outburst you can assist them in finding a less destructive activity to do when their palms sweat. Relieving the pent up emotion for example with a run around the block, a swim, a shower, reciting a poem etc. They can now identify when their anger is escalating from the emotion into an unacceptable behavior. To learn more about coping or communicating with your teen visit http://www.inspireuonline.com/ or directly ask Fiona a question go to http://www.justaskfiona.com/

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Teaching children is not an easy task. And yet, it is one of the most important responsibilities you hold as parents. It cannot and must not be delegated to others. But then, you may feel loss, inadequate or ill prepared to teach. Looking at the countless programs and methods available in the child education market, you may feel like you need a PhD in this area if you are to succeed. Then there are the other excuses too like I have to work and don’t have the time, or I don’t have the patience.
Well, here is your wake up call. Teaching can be simple, effective and doable. Reading to your children and using stories to teach is a technique that is within the capabilities of everyone. When we read to our children, we do not confine them to academic excellence but also extend into their emotional and behavioral learning.

The following are 5 reasons why using stories to teach is effective:

1.The child doesn’t feel threatened. It’s not another lecture.
When we read to our children, we are able to address a situation in a non-threatening way. What do I mean by threatening? Let’s take a look at some examples of habitual phrases we tend to use when teaching our lesson:

• You shouldn’t lie.
• You are so messy.
• You shouldn’t be scared. You are just being silly.
• You are not listening to me.

Usually this is done in a blaming or angry tone of voice. When we finger point and use the word you, children hear negative and the situation becomes tense. Some may even become defensive. Put yourselves in their shoes. If someone were to start attacking you with words, would you be in a teachable mood? I would think not. Rather than focusing on the solutions to the problems, children are focusing on their feelings of anger, hurt, fear etc… that they are experiencing at that moment.

Using stories to teach, we take out the blame and place less emphasis on the problem. We talk and discuss solutions and speak positively. So instead of a lecture, we now have a healthy discussion.

2.Working on prevention and cure.
When we use stories to teach, we can help our children work through situations they are currently experiencing. It also allows us to mentally prepare them for situations that may arise. Children gain experience vicariously through the stories we read. Children are able to learn from vicarious experience just as well as they learn from real ones. The only difference is that this kind of learning takes place in the safety of your home. For example, you could use a book about being bullied to teach your child what to do if and when they face such a situation.

3.The child has a model to follow. They identify with the characters in the book.
Children make connections with the characters of the stories you relate. You can help them further by asking questions such as:
Is there anyone in the book who reminds you of yourself?

• How is that character like you?
• Which character would you like to be?
• Why would you want to be that character?
• Relate the lesson to their own lives and experiences: Like the little pig who build a house of bricks (in the story of the Three Little Pigs), what would you do make your house strong?

After reading the story of The Little Engine That Could, my daughter began to identify herself with the Little Blue Engine who said I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. It served to be a good model for her to follow at times when she felt inadequate.

4.Children remember stories better than they remember reprimands. It’s a good way to catch their attention.
In Making Connections: Teaching and the Human Brain (Addison-Wesley, 1994), Renate and Geoffery Caine states, “There is strong reason to believe that organization of information in story form is a natural brain process… In a nutshell, neuroscience is discovering that the brain is wired to organize, retain and access information through story. If that is true, then teaching through story means that students will be able to remember what is taught, access that information, and apply it more readily.

Maybe this is why children can rattle off dialogs from their favorite shows but can’t remember what mom said about picking up their toys.

5.Allows for critical thinking.
Stories are a safe way for children to explore emotions and behaviors. A book like Jane Simmons’ Come Along, Daisy, encourages children to think about the importance of keeping close to parents when out and about . Use thought provoking questions that will lead them to identify problems and feelings such as How did Daisy get separated from her mother? and What was Daisy feeling when she found her mother missing?
The best kind of teaching you can employ is to teach our children to be authors of solutions. Ask leading questions that will underscore the point of the story such as How can Daisy avoid getting lost in the future? What a boost it will be to your children to know they can come up with such genius solutions.

Reading and sharing stories with your children can help you become a better parent. It opens the channel of communication and strengthens the parent-child bond. The magic of stories can be a powerful influence for good. Does that magic exist in your home? Start reading to your child today.

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Teen problems are growing. If you think that being a teen today is the same as it was when you were in their shoes, you are probably mistaken. Now, listen to yourself say how strict and how hard life was when you where young. But, you need to realize that teens today face huge, life threatening decisions just about ever day. What they face has a lot to do with where they grow up. Yet do not be fooled into thinking that your child is safe.

In the normal course of your teen’s day, he or she may face any of these things; one or more of them.

Drugs. Think that drugs are simple like they used to be? They are not. Kids today are not just smoking the easy stuff. They are into crack or other strong and deadly drugs.

Sex. Not only are they exposed to it on the television, but they are encouraged by others. They may be engaging in sexual acts that you have never heard of. They may be doing it unprotected as well. At school, after school, on the car ride home – there are many opportunities you do not realize. Teens get pregnant and have babies.

Violence. Today’s teen problems often revolve around violence. They see friends with guns at school or after school. They witness huge fights. They hear threats. They see anger and deal with it daily.

Depression. With all that they see and do, teens face depression today at an alarming rate as compared to just a decade ago. Depression is not something that just goes away, but can cause them harm and threaten their lives.

Driving. Teens drive drunk. Teens drive under the influence of drugs. Teens get in cars that others are driving under the influence. Teens may also be responsible drivers, but share the road with those that are not.

Teen problems that are at a lower level can be just as deadly. They face lying, cheating, emotional trauma, learning disabilities and divorce. All of these things a child will face daily in some cases. In those cases, it is no wonder that they have low self esteems, high drop out rates and some of the students will break under the pressure. Teen problems should be addressed and noticed by their parents first.

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Some parents may worry that setting strict rules may distance them from their children. But this simply isn’t the case. Though they may gripe and complain and get upset when you become the enforcer, they realize deep down that this shows you care. These parameters you set forth and enforce make your child feel loved, safe, and secure.

It’s never easy developing and introducing rules. Parents may tend to avoid setting rules because they fear confrontation and unpleasantness. But the uncomfortable stuff isn’t necessarily a reflection on your relationship with your child, it’s just the nature of adolescence – breaking rules and pushing limits is a part of growing up. We tend to want to be our child’s friend sometimes, and when we’re laying down the law that just isn’t possible. Our primary role is to protect, nurture and provide for our children.

When kids break rules, parents often overreact with harsh, disproportionate and unenforceable punishment, which undermines the effectiveness of setting rules. Instead, when you first tell your child about a new rule, discuss the consequences of breaking that rule – what the punishment will be and how it will be carried out. Consequences must go hand in hand with limits so that your child knows what the cost of breaking the rules will be. The punishments you set should be reasonable and related to the violation. For example, if you catch your son and his friends smoking, you might “ground” him by restricting his social activities for two weeks.

Punishments should only involve penalties you discussed before the rule was broken. Also, never issue empty threats. It’s understandable that you’ll be angry when house rules are broken, and sharing your feelings of anger, disappointment, or sadness can have a powerfully motivating effect on your child. Since we’re all more inclined to say things we don’t mean when we’re upset, it’s sometimes best to give ourselves a time-out period to cool off before we say something we don’t mean.

Make the ground rules crystal clear to your child. It’s imperative that you are consistent and follow through with a defined disciplinary action after each infraction, and that your child understands the reasons why.

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My Teen Is A Runaway. What Do I Do Now?

If your child is a teen runaway, there is a problem. Before you jump to the conclusion that they are just a bad kid, determine what really pushed them in this direction. As a parent, there is nothing more fearful then knowing that your child is out there, facing whatever scum walks the earth and that you can not protect them. But, before you can get them to stay home with you, you need to work with them to determine why they left in the first place.

To do this, you need to do several things. First, stop accusing and leave the anger at the door. You need to have a frank but fair conversation with them. Determine why they left. Do not yell at them, punish them or demand answers. Calmly determine why they left, they must tell you here.

Tell them why being a runaway teen is dangerous. Explain why this is not something that is okay and that you will not allow it. Make sure they know that you are open to helping them to work through problems they have at school, with their peers or with you so they can avoid being a runaway teen.

Get them help. Physically, they need to be examined. Emotionally they need to work with a child therapist to determine what they need to resolve with you or their problems to keep them at home, safe. In fact, the biggest benefit they will need is working with you side by side to determine what the solution is.

A teen runaway is a call for help. In some form, they can no longer handle what is in their lives threatening them. They are looking for a way to run, to hide or to start over because something is pushing them to do that. You do not have to be a bad parent to face a runaway teen. In fact, most will deal with this. Yet, what you need to be is an open parent that will welcome your teen runaway back into your home and work on repairing problems so that they will stay at home with you.

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Expect Only the Best from Your Child
Expect the best from your child. If you expect the best behavior and performance you’re your child, it’s often what you will get. Children pick up on our beliefs about them, form a self-concept that matches that belief, and perform accordingly. If we expect them to be lazy, they’ll be lazy, which will confirm our expectations for them, and the cycle toward failure is started. If, on the other hand, we expect our kids to be successful, productive, creative, and responsible and honestly believe it to be true, then our children can’t help but rise to the occasion and confirm our best opinions of them with their positive actions. So expect nothing but the best from your children and watch them fulfill your expectations.
Praise your child often when they perform a good deed or accomplish a new task. Set simple, clear and consistent rules so your child knows exactly what is expected and the consequences of misbehaving or breaking the rules. Maintain a consistent daily routine for your child as much as possible, and make sure your child gets lots of physical activity and time to play and socialize with their friends. Encourage your child to learn how to make appropriate choices, and encourage your child to do things for themselves. Allow your child to talk about strong feelings, which will help them work through their anger and frustration.
Above all, be a positive role model for your child, as their strongest educator is your example. Take care of yourself, and expect the best from yourself. Make appropriate choices and be firm yet fair when disciplining your child. Make sure to spend lots of quality time with your child, and encourage them to become involved in activities that foster cooperation and a sense of accomplishment. If you have great expectations of your child, you’ll be greatly pleased in the end.

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Encouraging Play Encourages a Child’s Development
We’ve all heard the term, “Oh, that’s child’s play.” It implies something is easy, frivolous and unimportant in the overall scheme of things. But to a child, child’s play is essential to their mental, social, emotional, and physical development.
We all know that children like to play. But what we may not know is the importance of play in a child’s life. Play is essential to every area of a child’s growth and development.
Play provides a means for energy to be put to use. It strengthens and refines small and large motor skills, and it builds stamina and strength. Sensory learning develops mostly through play. Play is significant to physical development in that without it the body could not grow and develop normally.
Children possess a natural curiosity. They, explore, learn and make sense out of their environment by playing. Parents and educators alike can support this learning activity by ensuring age-appropriate toys, materials and environments are available to the child.
Play enables children to know things about the world and to discover information essential to learning. Through play children learn basic concepts such as colors, counting, how to build things, and how to solve problems. Thinking and reasoning skills are at work every time a child engages in some type of play.
Children learn to relate to one another, negotiate roles, share, and obey rules through play. They also learn how to belong to a group and how to be part of a team. A child obtains and retains friends through play.
Play fulfills many needs including a sense of accomplishment, successfully giving and receiving attention, and the need for self-esteem. It helps them develop a strong sense of self, and is emotionally satisfying to them. They learn about fairness, and through pretending learn appropriate ways of expressing emotion such as anger, fear, frustration, stress and discover ways of dealing with these feelings.
So encourage your child’s play. Color pictures, make finger paintings, build buildings and imaginary cities with blocks, and built a tent in the middle of the living room and go camping! And as we all know, childhood is fleeting, so let them enjoy being a kid while they are one!

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How can you tell if your teenager is at risk for developing drug or alcohol problems, depression, violence, suicide, pregnancy or dropping out of school? While many teens may actually face these problems, parents often find it difficult to tell if their child is having problems; many parents only find out that their teen is experiencing difficulty after it is too late. Many parents compare their child with other children as a way of not having to cope with their childs behavior. They might say things such as oh, well, my child is not as bad as so and so, and so to them, they figure everything must be ok. While this might be tempting to do, it is not an action that should be encouraged. Instead, you should trust your instincts when they tell you something is not right, and try to help as soon as you can. Many teens are very good at lying, manipulating and twisting the truth for their parents; especially parents who are willing to turn a blind eye because they are not ready to face the truth. It is important to be strong and not let your child be the boss of your relationship.

It is true that most, if not all teens go through some hardships and rebellion while growing up, but how can you tell if this is just normal maturation or if your teen truly has a problem. There are several tell-tale signs that let you know if you are dealing with a troubled teen.

1. You have noticed that your child is becoming more and more secretive.
2. Your teen has sudden and uncalled for outbursts of anger.
3. Your teen regularly misses curfew and does not show up when he/she says they will.
4. They regularly lie about where they are.
5. They have changed their group of friends and does not want you to meet them. Usually the group of friends will lead to a distinct new appearance such as piercings or excessive black makeup and a negative change in attitude.
6. They steel money from you on a regular basis.
7. Their grades have dropped significantly or they lose interest in previous activities.

If you notice some of these in your child, perhaps you should take a closer look at what is happening in their lives. If you find that they are experiencing some sort of trouble, you should try to help them as soon as you can without appearing too pushy or domineering. Since this is a childs time for searching for independence they will not want to feel controlled by you. To get advice on how to talk to your teen you can contact local help centers or look for advice on the internet. And remember, while these symptoms can sometimes be serious, this is how teens behave, and not all kids are troubled kids!

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