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You didnt think it would happen, but it did. The sweet little angel that you were raising has turned into a hell raiser almost overnight, a being who seems to defy you at every turn and who is bent on the wanton destruction of most of the items in your house. She refuses to listen or to go to bed, commits acts of violence against siblings, refuses to eat on occasion, and says hurtful things to you. The terrible twos are upon you, and you need to decide on the best course of action to ensure everyones survival.

The key to discipline at any age, including the terrible twos, is to understand why your childs behavior has undergone a change. It is probable that your child will not experience the behavioral manifestations typically associated with the terrible twos upon turning that age. Many parents observe changes in their childrens behavior well after and sometimes even before the age of two, and the fact is that these behaviors can continue for quite a while.

A child who is undergoing the behavioral transformations of the terrible twos is actually expressing a greater awareness of both himself and those around him than he may have realized existed previously. Combined with a lack of verbal communication skills, your child may become frustrated and begin to act out this frustration in acts of defiance that appear to be merely selfish behavior- in some cases, this may be true, as your child is also learning to stretch her boundaries and push their limits.

The key to discipline in the terrible twos is understanding. It will be very hard to remain calm when your child is outright defying you or throwing a screeching fit, but it is imperative that you focus on the issue and push aside your frustration and anger- punishing your child in anger may only serve to exacerbate the situation. This is the age at which you will want to begin incorporating discipline techniques such as time outs and the taking away of privileges, things that a child will understand.

In short, the best discipline tool you will possess at this developmental juncture will be your own self-discipline. Many parents will cling to the idea that physical punishment is necessary at this stage, but the fact is that when this is applied it can make the situation much worse. Too often physical punishment is a sign of the parents own frustration.

The key to the terrible twos is structure. You should set a schedule for your toddler, as difficult as this may be with your busy life. This is really the only stage in your childs development where a schedule needs to be adhered to, for the simple reason of maintaining the sanity of the entire family. Set strict limits, and do not stray from them when your child tries to stretch them. When it is needed, apply discipline in a consistent manner and pattern, so that the child does not receive a mixed message. Do not make threats that you will simply never back up- you can bet that your child will stop falling for these the instant she senses you are not going to carry through (ie Well, I guess we will just leave you here in aisle four then!). Finally, when you have to discipline the child, make sure you explain why you are doing so. Never give in to their tantrums.

Effective discipline during the terrible twos starts with the parent. In truth, it may start long before the terrible twos do. If you spend enough time with your child, developing their communication skills and abilities, the odds are that you will not experience some of the more terrible aspects that the terrible twos can bring.

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Being an at home parent may be the best job youll ever get, but its HARD. Youre on call 24/7, and when you go on vacation, you still have the same responsibilities. And if you have a home business or work at home job, life can be even more challenging.

The first step to coping with burnout is preventing it in the first place. Dont overfill your schedule with activities for the kids or yourself. Take a little time for yourself every day. You dont need to be alone, but you do need to relax a little. Whether this may be during the kids naps or when theyre in school, even taking just a few minutes for you can really help. Then you can take advantage of the time to get things done with a clear head.

Make sure your expectations and those of your family are realistic. If youre running a home business or have a work at home job, you cant be expected to keep as perfect a house as a mother who does not. Pick a day to do the laundry, the vacuuming and other housework that doesnt need to be done on a daily basis and leave it until then unless the urgent need arises, of course.

When you get angry, dont consider yourself an imperfect or bad parent. We all get angry sometimes. What is more important is how you react to the anger.

Make sure you get enough sleep. The more tired you are, the more stress you are going to feel, and the harder it will be to cope with it. If necessary, take a nap at the same time as the kids do, so theyre not getting into trouble for lack of supervision.

Plan fun activities once in a while to relieve stress. Depending on your needs and the needs of your family, this can be alone or with the entire family. Go to the beach, a park, zoo, mall, wherever it is you can relax and just have fun.

Consider planning or even cooking meals and snacks in advance. Its easy to give your children healthy snacks if you have sliced vegetables and/or fruits ready to go in the fridge. A few minutes work early in the week can save you time. Meals may also be prepared in advance and frozen for those nights when youre simply too tired to cook. Plan your meals for leftovers that will freeze well, and say goodbye to expensive frozen dinners from the grocery store.

If writing out your schedule helps you, then keep a written schedule. If it makes you feel overwhelmed, then dont. Just because your best friend says it keeps her on schedule to have a calendar with everything she needs to do on it doesnt mean the same will work for you.

Finally, dont let other parents make you feel you owe them favors just because youre at home and have time. Youre doing a full time job taking care of your family, not just loafing. Your schedule may be just as full as theirs, if not more so.

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Want to be a better parent? Knowing what your current parenting style is will help you identify your needed areas for improvement. Promoting the self-discipline and self-esteem of the children in your family often requires an emotional juggling act by you as a parent. It is not easy to be firm and demanding with a child one minute, then warm and affectionate the next. This is an ongoing education process both for the parent and for the child. In addition, many adults naturally have personalities or temperaments that predispose them toward one parenting style or another.

Authoritarian Parenting

Parents who tend to overemphasize the discipline side of the equation are referred to as authoritarian. Authoritarian parents are demanding in the worst sense of the word. They are intimidators, requiring obedience and respect above all else. They become overly angry and forceful when they dont get that obedience and respect. Their love and acceptance appear totally conditional to the child. They do not teach or listen to their kids or explain the reason for their expectations, which are frequently unrealistic. They often see their childrens individuality and independence as irrelevant or threatening.

Research has shown that authoritarian parents tend to produce children who are more withdrawn, anxious, mistrustful and discontented. These children are often overlooked by their peers. Their self-esteem is often poor.

Permissive Parenting

Parents who overemphasize the self-esteem side of the equation are referred to as permissive. They may be warm and supportive, but they are not good disciplinarians – even in the privacy of their own home. They make only weak demands for good behavior and they tend to avoid or ignore obnoxious behavior. They seem to believe that children should grow up without any anger, tears or frustrations. They reinforce demanding and inconsiderate behavior from their children and often find it easier to just give in to their child’s demands. Their love and acceptance are unconditional in the worst sense of the word, for they set few rules or limits on what their children do.

Research has shown that permissive parents tend to produce children who are more immature, demanding and dependent. These children are often rejected by their peers. Their self-esteem is often unrealistic and hard to interpret, for they often blame others for their problems and misfortunes.

The Authoritative Parenting Model

Parents who are able to provide for both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their youngsters are referred to as authoritative. They clearly communicate highbut not unrealisticdemands for their childrens behavior. They expect good things from their kids and reinforce those things when they occur. They also tend to give more positive encouragement at the right places. When kids act up, on the other hand, authoritative parents respond with firm limits, but without fits of temper. They are warm, reasonable and sensitive to a childs needs. They are supportive of a childs individuality and encourage growing independence.

Authoritative parents tend to produce competent children. These kids are more self-reliant, self-controlled, content and happy. They are usually accepted and well-liked by their peers and perform better in school. Their self-esteem is good and they report having a happier childhood experience overall.

Where Do You Need Work as a Parent?

Logic and research, then, support the idea that children need both firm discipline and emotional support to grow up psychologically healthy. After reading the descriptions of the parenting styles above, if you found that you leaned too much toward the demanding, authoritarian style, then you need to work on the warm, supportive side of parenting. You need to have more fun with your kids, listen better and dole out more praise. If on the other hand, you leaned too much toward the permissive style, you need to work on establishing clear rules, setting limits, and confronting obnoxious behavior. Need to modify your parenting style? Start today!

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If you have a child who has been diagnosed with a serious birth disorder, this is an extremely trying time in your life. You have many challenges ahead of you, both physical and emotional. Right now you are probably on an emotional roller coaster ride, and are having difficulty just getting through the day. Here are some tips that will hopefully help you deal with the adjustments in your life.

Learn all that you can about your childs disorder
Its going to be painful to hear the details, but knowledge is power. You can cope better with that which you understand, so learn as much as possible. If your childs birth disorder is one that has a nationally recognized foundation, like Down syndrome, contact them. They can be a wealth of knowledge and support.

Give yourself permission to grieve
This is not what you expected, and you need to mourn the perfect, healthy baby you planned. Only when you have had ample time to mourn this loss, will you truly be able to accept and love your child the way she is.

Get help
You need physical and emotional help right now. Find someone to talk to about your feelings of anger, hurt, guilt and loss. You may be able to get the emotional help you need from a friend or relative, or you may need to speak to a professional. You may also need physical help caring for this child, depending upon the extent of the disorder. Your pediatrician should be able to help you locate special services if you require them.

Expect other people to be uncomfortable
Its not your problem, but you have to deal with it. Other people dont know what to say. You can make things easier on yourself by breaking the ice with these people. It may seem like something you shouldnt have to do, but to get your friendships back to normal as quickly as possible, you may want to take it upon yourself to contact your friends and try to make them feel comfortable. Fortunately, some people will be by your side no matter what, and you can rely on them to get you through the first few weeks.

Having a child with a birth disorder may well be the biggest challenge you ever face. Know that help is available, and take the steps necessary to find the right services and support you and your family needs.

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Demanding children children who have entitlement issues seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted (I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, I want .! Give it to me! Get it for me, now! They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as Its not fair! or You dont love me! or What about what I want?, or by getting angry, shutting down or crying piteously.

Why are there so many demanding children?

Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding critical mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned early to take responsibility for her mothers feelings by being a good girl. Now, as a parent herself, and not wanting to do to her children what her mother did to her, she has gone the other way. Rather than being demanding and self-centered, she is compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she is a permissive parent, giving in to her childrens demands rather than setting appropriate limits.

Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her childrens feelings. All they need to do is be upset about something and she stops what she is doing to attend to them. They have learned to use their feelings of hurt, irritation and anger as a means of control. Olivia thinks she is being loving when she makes it safe for her children to express their feelings. The problem is she is not discerning the difference between having feelings and using feelings as a means of control. Because she gives her childrens feelings so much importance, her children have learned to use their feelings against her.

Olivias children need to learn to care about Olivia instead of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their demands. The only way they will learn to care about her is if she learns to care about herself.

Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a hard time keeping friends and as adults they create chaotic relationships. So lets take a hard look at what we need to do to support caring in children rather than self-centeredness. Authoritarian parenting often creates compliant/caretaking children, while permissive parenting seems to create narcissistic children. Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting parenting that supports the highest good of both children and parents. Lets break the cycle of creating caretakers and takers. As parents, we need to learn to:

* Take loving care of ourselves rather than constantly give ourselves up to our childrens needs and feelings.

* Set appropriate limits rather than always complying with our childrens demands.

* Care about our own feelings as much as we care about our childrens feelings.

* Not allow our feelings and needs to be invisible to our family.

* Accept rejection from our children rather than give in to them to avoid being rejected.

* Learn to discern the difference between childrens feelings that need to be attended to and feelings that are being used to manipulate.

* Expect to be appreciated and respected rather than accept being taken for granted.

It is not a matter of swinging back to authoritarian parenting. It is a matter of expecting to be treated with respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself. If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you are not attending to them or making them important to you, your children will learn to see you and others as invisible. Children who see themselves as important and others as invisible because this is what their parents are role-modeling may become narcissistic, self-centered, demanding children.

It is not easy to move out of caretaking and into caring about yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a form of survival when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a loving parent, you need to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters caring and consideration in your children, and this will never happen if you consistently put yourself aside for others.

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Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.

Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didnt want to treat her children the way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.

Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her childrens feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.

The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didnt value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.

Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both the parents and the childrens feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children other than in actual situations of health and safety – nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.

Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their childrens performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.

As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in the way you want in order to define your worth.

In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing the wounded child within you the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.

Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.

Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

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