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Although many everyone has their own different styles of parenting, there are 4 main styles of parenting. These four different styles are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and than uninvolved.

Uninvolved parenting is really just a lack of parenting. It is hard on children and should not be the way of parenting. Kids suffer issues such as feelings of rejection, lack of self esteem, and issues with trust. In the long run the children are harmed emotionally.

Authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive styles describe a range of styles. Authoritarian parents are at one end of the spectrum. This kind of parenting tends to be high in structure and low in responsiveness. Permissive parents are then located at the opposite side of the scale. This parenting style tends to be low in structure and high in responsiveness. Authoritative parenting tends to be located in the middle of the scale, and is a balanced parenting style. There are many different parenting styles out there; these three represent a very wide range scale.

Structure is important to authoritative parenting. There are clear rules and limits and children know that there are consequences for their actions. Routines and schedules help provide a sense of stability for children. For example, a child knows when bedtime is, and a teen knows when curfew is, and both know what will happen if he or she is late. Stability in this sense allows children to feel secure, and that, it turn, allows for an all around better atmosphere. There is flexibility in authoritative parenting that allows the parent to bend the rules on occasion. Like if a child would like to stay up late to watch a favorite TV show.

Authoritative parents also are responsive. Children have a voice in the family and the input is value. Mom and dad respond to their children’s needs and problems and are sensitive to their children’s emotions and feelings.

In authoritative parenting, decisions are made collaboratively. Children have a choice, but only up to a certain point. Parents should listen to their input, and take into consideration what the child is saying, and feeling, but the final decision lies with the parents. These types of families function as a team, and different needs are accommodated for. This results in less conflict and more balance.

Authoritative parenting is a balanced parenting style. Structure and responsive are both high. The parents are involved with their child’s life, and are flexible, but they still are parents. There are structures, limits, rules and boundaries, but they are not rigid. Children with this kind of parenting tend to do well socially and functionally in life. They tend to not get into problems and not to have serious emotional problems. This type of parenting is balanced, and produces balanced children.

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When children are raised naturally, in keeping with their own true hearts, there is nothing that we need to teach them about Zen. In fact, the children then become our teachers, reminding us of what is important and expressing themselves naturally.

To grow a Zen child, means to raise a healthy, expressive, creative child–a child easily in touch with who they truly are. This child is naturally curious about life, experiencing each day as an adventure, going to sleep happy at night. This is a child to whom sharing comes naturally, who can laugh when things are funny and cry when they’re sad, who is not terrified of the consequences of their behavior or focused unnecessarily upon reactions of adults. This child then becomes strong and stable, able to weather all kinds of conflicting demands and pressures.

Actually, all of Zen practice comes simply to teach us how to become a child once again. Not how to become childish, but child-like, how to tap the natural knowingness and spontaneity we were all born with, to find delight in our days and share it with others.

In order to grow a Zen child certain basic steps need to be honored and taken. These steps are not difficult though they may be different from the ways in which we have usually been trained to think about child-rearing.

Some Steps To Growing A Zen Child
1) Honor The Child’s Natural Wisdom And Gifts
Most of us feel that we have to fill our children with information, knowledge, skills, direction. From the moment they are born we must “mold” them in the right direction, so that they will grow to fulfill our values and images of a successful adult. We do not stop a moment and question how these images have impacted upon us, how fulfilled and whole our lives are. We teach our children much more by who we are than by what we preach.

All children have their own innate wisdom, rhythms, sense of exploration, and ability to express what is most dear to them. Our job as caretakers is to create a loving, safe environment in which both we and they can discover who they are. Raising children, (like Zen practice) is a process of discovery. We must take our lead from the children, not impose ourselves upon them.

When children feel so deeply respected, all that is best and natural emerges easily. Their full intelligence and abilities become available to them. This kind of child will not become aggressive, distracted and filled with all kinds of fears. When a being’s basic nature is not interfered with, it becomes empowered to function at its best.

2) Don’t Compare Your Child With Others
Conformity and competition have become a craze (and plague) in our nation and in the process of child rearing. Nothing could be worse for both the parents and children. Comparing your child’s progress, scores or abilities with those of other children tell you absolutely nothing about who he/she is, or how they will do in their lives. There are many ways and timetables for developing, and different gifts and abilities that different children have.

Remember that being different doesn’t mean being better or worse. Many kinds of trees and flowers are needed in a garden. An apple tree will produce the best possible apples, don’t force it to give you pears. Not only will that distort it’s growth, but it will make the apple tree very sad. A garden with only one kind of flower would become uninteresting. Just as we need roses, tulips, lilies, etc. for the garden to be complete, we need all kinds of different children to make a whole world.

3) Allow Your Child To Express Who She Is
There are many, many constrictions placed upon what children are allowed to express. There is a demand for politeness, control and censure coupled with the intrinsic notion that certain thoughts and feelings are bad and cannot or should not be expressed. The child develops the sense that certain parts of them are bad and unacceptable. This causes these parts to go underground, and become the source of symptoms of all kinds.

Help the child find a way to communicate and express whatever he/she is going through. It can be done through words, song, art, plays, dancing together, planting flowers. Make sure you find a way to let them know you truly hear what it is they need to say. The childs self worth will then grow.

4) Look For And See The Best In All The Child Does
Rather than find fault, criticize, punish and negate the child in the thousands of ways we usually do, specifically look for and see the best in the child and all that they do. Acknowledge it to them as well. Everyday let the child know something you are truly proud of them for and pleased with about them.

However, sadly, in many situations the opposite occurs, praise and acknowledgement is given rarely, in a context of criticism and complaint. Turn this around. Let the child realize that though they may have made an error, the totality of who they are is wonderful.

You can also ask them what they are pleased with and proud of about you. If there is something troubling them in the relationship, this is a time it will come to the fore. There is nothing more crucial than keeping open lines of full communication between parents and child.

5) Grow Yourself!
Of course as parents grow a Zen child, they are simultaneously growing themselves. The way we treat another, reflects back upon us. The beauty and goodness we find in another, we begin to see wherever we go. As we loosen the bonds and chains we tie our children in, we are always freeing ourselves as well. Power struggles disappear in these kinds of relationships, and make lots of room for love to grow.

Cc/author/2005

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As parents we know that building our child’s sense of self esteem is important. Child development specialists tell us so. However knowing it is important is not the same as knowing how to give your child a strong sense of self worth. There is no simple strategy but there are several effective techniques parents can use to help boost self esteem in their child.

Let Them Know Their Value

The most important strategy is to show and tell your child how much you value him and appreciate him. Spend time with him, talk to him and really listen to what he has to say, and appreciate the things that interest him.

Empower Them To Make Decisions

You should also teach your child about decision-making and recognizing when she has made a good decision. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Start first by giving children the ability to make decisions, for example about what to wear for the day, and then letting them live with the consequences, such as being too hot in a long sleeve shirt on the beach. Then gradually expand the scope of their decisions and discuss the problems and solutions involved to help the child evaluate the decisions they make.

Make Them Responsible For Their Emotions

Let children know they create and are responsible for any feeling they experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others’ feelings. Avoid blaming children for how you feel. Model appropriate ways to respond to their emotions.

Help Them Find Their Niche

Encourage your child to develop hobbies and interests which give him pleasure and which he can pursue independently. These can help him develop various skills which may help build confidence as well as provide comfort and distraction during difficult times. Also, these may well provide common ground to further social interaction with others.

Let Them Work It Out With Peers

Children must learn to work out disputes with siblings, friends, and classmates without adult intervention. As they grow older they won’t always be under direct adult supervision, but also learning to work through social challenges can help build confidence and self esteem. Another important social tool is the ability to cope with teasing. Help your child develop “tease tolerance” by pointing out that some teasing can’t hurt and exploring the reasons why some kids tease.

Show Them Their Strengths

When your child succeeds at something, reinforce that success by pointing out how far he has come by not giving up. When your child fails, point out the other successes he has enjoyed, especially those that were accomplished after a failure.

Teach Them To Laugh

Laugh with your children and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one’s overall enjoyment. Laughter is a great stress reliever and a good way to make friends. Laughing at your mistakes and at life’s challenges help teach children to put trouble in perspective and cope with challenges.

Using these seven strategies can help build your child’s self esteem and help them lead a happier and more successful life.

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Consistency is Key to Successful Discipline
Consistency is key to successfully teaching your child right from wrong when disciplining them. It keeps small misdeeds and bad behaviors from later becoming bigger misdeeds and worse behaviors. You have to stand firm and mean it when you say, “Turn off the television now”or “no dessert after dinner because you didn’t touch your dinner.” Consistency teaches your child there are defined consequences for misdeeds and inappropriate or unacceptable actions or behaviors. Inconsistency when disciplining makes you directly responsible for your children’s misbehavior and doesn’t teach them how to be responsible for their actions.
It’s also that each partner is consistent with the discipline. If one parent is too strict and the other is too lenient, the child will key into that and try to manipulate the situation to his or her advantage. Parents must agree on disciplinary action in advance and make a commitment to one another to be consistent in implementing and following through with the consequences. This can be especially difficult if the child’s parents are separated or divorced. Though you may not be together anymore, it’s imperative that you parent on common ground. Openly and honestly discuss these parameters with your former spouse and your child in advance, so that if discipline is needed, the consequences of such misbehavior are well understood in advance. Any disagreements between parents should be discussed out of the child’s earshot.
Consistency is about being strong and standing firm, even when doing so is extremely difficult or exhausting. It can sometimes be hard to come home after a hard day at work only to find a hard night of parenting in front of you. Your child will consistently test the boundaries and ‘push the envelope’ with you to see if there’s any play in those consequences. By standing firm you are showing there is not and that you expect them to do nothing less than take responsibility for their actions.

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There is much to be said about how much television is too much television for children. As parents we are constantly reminded that our children should not be watching television at all. We hear about the risks of Attention Deficit Disorder, overall disobedience, and many other terrible consequences. I dont disagree completely, but I do believe this topic needs to be discussed in greater detail.

I have a two year old son. I allow him to watch certain television shows and/or videos. Do I use the television as a babysitter or some other form of replacement for my presence? Never. I choose these programs carefully, ensuring that what they project is in accordance with what I want my son to learn. I use the television shows as reinforcement for the tools and lessons I am already teaching him AND I always watch his videos with him in order to help clarify or repeat words if necessary. Let me share with you an example.

Ever since my son had the dexterity to be able to point to the different parts of his body, my husband and I have been rehearsing the corresponding words for him to learn. Over and over and over we repeat these words. We also use childrens books to share these same words. Throw in a couple videos of kids singing Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes and you have a child who can put all these images and words together. I am NOT saying that the video was the key ingredient that taught my son these words. I am saying that children, just like adults, learn in a number of different ways. Why not introduce them to the world around them through various types of media. I believe the combination of books, imaginary play, music, and the right television programs can assist children in learning more than just one of these avenues by itself.

I also believe children learn by watching other children. If you dont believe me, spend a few hours at your local preschool sometime and just observe. Youd be amazed at how children (toddlers especially) imitate one another. In my case, my son is still an only child at this time. I do my best to take him to play groups, tumbling class, and any other socialization activity I can get him to. When he is around other children, I can see an increased desire from him to want to communicate with the other children moreso than even his need to communicate with me! Having said that, he still spends the majority of his time without the company of other children. We own several childrens videos (and watch special television programs) that involve children his age and slightly older. He is able to see these children interact, communicate, dance, sing, and even display their good manners. These programs have been a positive enhancement to the social skills my son has picked up at home and at play.

The bottom line to this discussion is not whether television in and of itself is evil and should be kept as far from children as possible. It boils down to WHAT children are watching, how the programs are playing a part in the childs overall learning curriculum (is it the only source or is it a supplement to many other resources?), and the importance of having the childs caregiver nearby to interact along with the program. I take an active part in watching television programs with my son so we can learn and have fun together.

I realize everyone has their own views about watching television and Im definitely no expert, but this has worked in my home and I hope by sharing my experience that you will be able to gain a little something from it. Best wishes in parenting!

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Sometimes it can be very challenging to communicate anything with your child. Setting clear expectations regarding what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t imperative to successfully teaching your child right from wrong. If the parameters are muddled or the child learns that in one situation the rules hold true yet in another situation the same rule does not, it makes for confusion and frustration on both sides.

Sit down with your child well in advance and line out the expectations and consequences of misbehaving or a misdeed. Make it clear that in no uncertain terms is there any room for negotiation at the time of the infraction, and that should such a behavior occur you intend to be firm in your discipline. Rules regarding your child’s safety, health or well-being should have no room for negotiation when being set or enforced. Other rules can be openly and honestly discussed with your child and an agreed upon action should be forged that both parents and child can agree upon. If necessary, make a contract between parent and child. Lay it all out in black and white, in language your child can clearly understand. For younger children, you might want to develop a good behavior chart within the contract, and for each week that goes by without any infractions being noted, a favorite or special activity might be earned. The connection between good deeds and special time with mom and/or dad might be just the currency they understand.

But all children need to understand that disciplining them is your way of teaching them what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. It may seem as though children fight rules and regulations, but they truly know that such parameters are meant for their well-being, health, safety, and enable them to grow into a mature person capable of making wise decisions.

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Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline. Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the things they want without breaking the rules.

However, when parents are only interested in compliance, they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead thinking about how unfair their parent is.

Punishment generally teaches children to become better at not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior.

All behavior is purposeful. We dont engage in behaviorresponsible or notfor no reason. Everything a person does is that persons best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally bad. The bad behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have, which is why they do it.

Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the parent doesnt approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further, making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate ways of meeting their freedom need.

For example, if the child is grounded for being with people the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control.

The interesting thing about control is that we really dont have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really dont know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what happens when the grounding is lifted?

Instead of punishing, lets look at what it might be like to teach self-discipline instead. Lets say your child has a habit of not abiding by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction.

What do you think would happen if you had a different conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time.

If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldnt it make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the agreed upon time.

Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew.

There are several solutions for every situation and remember every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their lives.

When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able to take care of themselves. After all, isnt that what you REALLY want?

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Chores Can Help your Child Learn about Teamwork and a Strong Work Ethic
Chores can help develop a sense of responsibility and self worth in your child. It should be understood by all family members they are expected and necessary to a household running successfully and efficiently. They can help create a sense of unity and family and is a great place for your child to learn about teamwork. Parents should take special care to handle the delegation of chores to children so they don’t become a source of frustration or create arguments.
Allow your child to have an active say in the delegation of chores. Give them choices. We all have household chores that we don’t like to do, but if it’s a chore the child enjoys doing then there’s less likelihood it will create a battle in the end. The child will most likely appreciate having the chance to be heard and having a choice.
It’s imperative that you set parameters early on for the successful completion of a chore. They may not perform up to snuff when they first start performing the chore, but show them where improvement is needed and praise them for a strong effort. Also make sure the child understands there will be repercussions if they only put forth a minimal effort. Ensure the child understands the need for the chore’s effective and efficient completion. Set consequences for substandard completion as a team. Make sure they see that if they don’t perform their chores, it affects the other members of the team. Spouses must work together and be a strong example for their children by completing their own chores each day. And don’t allow a child to undermine your authority by battling with you over a designated chore. Stand your ground and don’t give in, and emphasize the consequence and negative effect an uncompleted chore has on the family.
And keep an open mind when a child wants to discuss their thoughts or express their opinions about chores. Make sure the conversation stays positive and on target.

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One thing I hate to do is discipline my son. He is such a good boy most of the time, but when he gets angry he is awful! Disciplining your child is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. It is important that they understand that you are in charge, not them.

I remember getting spankings until I was around 6 or 7 years old. I did everything I could to avoid making my mother and father angry. I havent spanked my son that often, but I have had to pop him when nothing else would work. Today, parents are looking for alternative methods of discipline and avoiding the dreaded spanking.

By the time your baby is 4 years old, you should have already laid down basic rules, no more than 4 or 5. The most important part of setting the rules is to stand by them. Go over the rules with your child whenever they break one. And do not try to explain yourself to your child. You are the parent, what you say goes.

Praise your child on any good behavior they demonstrate. This is reinforce the idea that having good behavior is much better than bad behavior. We spend alot more time scolding them for the bad things they do than on the good things. A simple Thank You is beneficial to your child.

Saying no makes a child very angry. It means that they do not get their way or something they want. Use a firm tone with authority, not an angry one. Make sure your child understands that when you say no, it means no. Dont give in if your child continues to ask or plead; just stand by your decision.

Help your child understand the consequences of their actions or choices. For example, if you are resting and your child is playing too loudly, you can give them the choice of sitting with you and reading a book or going to play in their room until you come to get them.

The one that my husband and I have started using is the time-out. My son hates to sit still. If we have asked him to stop doing something or he yells, we tell him to go to the time-out room and think about his actions. Then we say when he is ready to talk about it, we sit down and talk. This works for most of his bad behavior.

There are many other alternatives; here is a list of sites for you to take a look at:

* * The Top 10 Tips for Disciplining Toddlers by Clare Albright
* * Positive Discipline For Toddlers and Preschoolers by Meg Berger, M.Ed.
* * Help! I Cant Control My Four Year-Old and Dont Want to Resort to Spanking! at http://Parenthood.com

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Think about your interactions with your children today. How many things did you notice they did wrong? What did you do or say to them because of their wrong doings? Have they engaged in the same kind of behavior before? What did you do or say the times before? Is it working? How many things did you notice your children did right today? If you did take the time to notice, what did you do or say to them? Did you praise or reward them in some way? If so, then read no further and keep up the good work. If you could use a little work on doing this, then read on.

Let’s face it. We parents often neglect to notice the positive things our children do. Rather, we tend to focus on our children’s negative behaviors, because they either annoy us or otherwise make our lives difficult. Have you ever heard the phrase, “that which gets noticed gets repeated?” If all we ever notice is the negative things our children do, then why would they do anything different? It is as if we program our children to believe “if I’m only noticed when I do something wrong, then so be it.”

It is just as important, if not more, to notice our children’s positive behaviors. Remember most behaviors are controlled by their consequences. Some may believe rewarding kids for positive behavior is bribery. We all receive rewards daily for doing things well, at work, at home, and at play. These rewards often motivate us to continue the behaviors for which they were received. Where parents use rewards ineffectively is when they give a positive consequence to stop an inappropriate behavior. For example, “I’ll give you a cookie if you stop whining.” This only encourages the inappropriate behavior. Where as rewarding kids for their positive behaviors is quite the opposite and much more productive.

Using positive reinforcement to strengthen a desired behavior is easy. Just watch and wait for the behavior to occur then reinforce it with praise, a pat on the back or a special privilege. It may go something like this, “David, I really appreciate how you came in the house when I asked and you even did it without a big hassle. You should feel good about being able to do that.” How about, “Wow Jamie, your bedroom looks awesome. You must have worked really hard on it. I bet you worked up a healthy appetite. Why don’t you decide what we have for lunch today.”

Focusing on your children’s positive behaviors could be the most productive parenting change you make if you don’t already do it. Chances are you have been trained like the rest of us to only call attention to the bad things your kids do. This phenomenon isn’t found solely in the parent/child relationship. It is also prevalent in spousal, sibling and employee/employer relationships. When was the last time your boss called you into his office and asked you to shut the door? Was it because he just wanted to tell you what a wonderful job you are doing and how valuable of an employee you are? If so, lucky you. More than likely, it was because he wanted to talk to you about something he thought you could do better or you were doing something wrong. People tend to take positive behavior for granted and punish negative behaviors.

Some parents find it helpful to make a note and put it where they can see it often. The note might read, “notice the positive” or “catch’em doing good.” You may also want to consider using a jar of consequences, a parenting tool that parents can use to help them focus on and reinforce the positive behaviors their children exhibit.

Catch your kids being good. It could have a profound affect on the atmosphere in your home. Whatever it takes I assure you it will be worth it.

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