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The Truth about Lying

admin — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 13:06:15 +0000

The Truth about Lying
Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies.
Young children often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy. This is probably more a result of an active imagination than an attempt to deliberately lie about something.
An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving, such as denying responsibility or to try and get out of a chore or task. Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.
Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents.
Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss the difference between make believe and reality, and lying and telling the truth. They should open an honest line of communication to find out exactly why the child chose to tell a lie, and to discuss alternatives to lying. A parent should lead by example and never lie, and when they are caught in a lie, express remorse and regret for making a conscious decision to tell a lie. Clear, understandable consequences for lying should be discussed with the child early on.
However, some forms of lying are cause for concern, and might indicate an underlying emotional problem. Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.
Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. A serious repetitive pattern of lying should be cause for concern. Consult a professional adolescent or child psychologist to find out whether help is needed.

The Keys to Effective Discipline

admin — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 21:11:47 +0000

The Keys to Effective Discipline
Disciplining a child is one of the most important, yet difficult, roles of being a parent. Effective discipline teaches a child to be self-disciplined later in life. It helps your child grow up to be happy and well-adjusted. Effective and positive discipline teaches and guides children, and helps them to feel safe, secure, and valued.
Discipline should be based on a child’s age, development and temperament. A parent’s goals by disciplining their child is to protect them from danger, to help them learn self-control and self-discipline and to develop a sense of responsibility.
Children should be respectful of their parent’s authority. If they’re disciplined harshly or unfairly, especially if it includes shouting or humiliating, will make it difficult if not impossible for a child to respect and trust their parent.
Parents must be consistent in their discipline. Discipline that’s not consistent is confusing to children, no matter how old they are. If parents are inconsistent in the way they discipline their children, children may find it hard to respect them. It can also indirectly encourage misbehaving and result in confusion and frustration for the child.
Discipline must also be fair. Parents must make sure that the punishment fits the crime and doesn’t punish too severely or is too lax. The consequences of their actions should be related to their behavior.
In order to discourage bad behavior, give your child choices about what to do. He will appreciate the chance to make decisions. Make sure rules that protect the safety, health and well-being of your child are given top priority. If your child is irritable, tired or upset, be understanding and try to help calm them. It’s important to keep in mind that bad behavior can sometimes be circumstantial.
Encourage positive behavior in your child by spending quality time alone with your child each day. Give your child hugs, cuddles or a gentle pat on the back, and give praise when praise is due. If your child is angry or sad, try to understand why. Teach your child good behavior by setting a good example and behaving properly and appropriately yourself.

Teens and Alcohol

admin — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 20:00:51 +0000

It’s the standard at every weekend party: a case of beer, a keg, many hard liquor bottles and mixed drinks. Alcohol is everywhere these days, and teens (as well as adults) can’t keep their hands off it. Teens are getting drunk just about every weekend during the school year, and even more during the summer.

But why do teens insist on drinking? Is it peer pressure? Is it the thrill of doing something illegal? Do they think it will make them cooler in the eyes of others? Most likely, it’s one (or more) of these reasons. Teens are easily pressured into things. Almost all of them want to be accepted, and are willing to do just about anything to gain acceptance. Even the smartest student in school could very well be giving in to peer pressure, drinking, doing drugs, and having promiscuous sex.

Most Parents wouldn’t like to think of their child being the one to give in. “My child is smarter than that,” they say. While it is quite possible your child is very intelligent, it takes a very strong willed teen to just say “no.” The fact is that most teens will give in to peer pressure at one time or another, whether it be with alcohol or something else.

Parents need to be on the watch when it comes to their teens. Make sure you know where they’re going and verify that parents are going to be there. This will likely assure that drinking will not take place, but it is still a possibility. Make sure your teen knows the consequences and dangers of alcohol over-consumption, such as liver damage and alcohol poisoning. Teens usually have a different attitude about it if their parents explain to them the effects of alcohol. Parents work a lot better than health class in school, and can be more personal.

Stop Lying Now

admin — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 07:41:50 +0000

Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying to you, even though he or she is normally a good child? Sometimes the lies are even about things that dont really matter or your child continues to lie in the face of overwhelming proof to the contrary?

It is my firm belief that we will not end lying behavior in our children until we take away the consequences for telling the truth. This is a concept explored in greater detail within Nancy Bucks book, Peaceful Parenting.

How many times as a child were you told by your parents that you wouldnt get into as much trouble if only you would be honest and tell the truth? I think this must be a rule in Parenting 101 because almost every parent I know has uttered this inalienable truth at least once with their children. Do you remember what you heard when you were told that as a child? I do.

What I actually heard is: if you keep on lying, you are going to really get into trouble. You already lied so you are at pretty high risk of getting into serious trouble. But, if I stick to my story, then there is a possibility there will be no punishment. No one likes to be punished. So it is logical that most children will choose the path that is least likely to result in pain. This, to most children, means the lying route.

I am proposing that if you want to decrease your childs lying, then you need to say, As long as you tell me the truth, you will not be punished. This is a huge shift for many of you and you are probably asking yourself, But what if my child did something that requires punishment—something seriously against the rules? I still say remove the consequences for lying and you will more likely get the truth.

Before you come to this decision, though, you must decide whether or not you really want the truth. A few years ago, I was speaking to the mother of one of my sons friends. She was very upset that a boy had stayed at her home and slept on top of the same bed with his girlfriend. Now, this mother was aware that both the boy and girl were sleeping at her house but she did not want them to share a bed. The two disregarded her wishes but felt they were complying with the main issue by sleeping on top of the covers, fully clothed. When the mother discovered them early in the morning, still sleeping, she was livid. She called me to vent her frustration. In her ravings, she said, Well, I know I did the same thing and worse but at least I had the decency to lie to my parents! I asked her if she really preferred being lied to and she responded affirmatively.

Now, if you are a parent who would really rather not know, then this article is not for you. I am writing to those parents who want to know the real truth about what is going on with their children and who can handle the truth when presented with it, rather than feeling the urge to punish their child.

My sister-in-law came to me for advice in dealing with her 11 year-old daughter who has developed a lying habit, particularly around her school work. She tried everything. She had mentioned the universal law: If you tell me the truth, you wont get into near as much trouble as if you lie to me. My niece stuck to her story like glue. Then my sister-in-law began to take away extracurricular activities to hopefully impress upon my niece the importance of her school work. All of this was common sense but what do you think happened to the lying? It continued without impact.

When she came to me, I advised her to take away the consequences for telling the truth. She couldnt believe what I was suggesting she do. Now, I was not saying that she and my niece wouldnt have a conversation about whatever the problem was. And I wasnt saying that they wouldnt make a plan for more effective behavior in the future but there would be no consequence for telling the truth. Even though its in the beginning stages, my sister-in-law already reported improvement.

All she has to do now is remind my niece that there will no punishment if she tells the truth, and my niece has been coming clean. The advantage to this is that you, the parent, arent spending a lot of time attempting to get to the bottom of things! You dont have to play detective and go on a fact-finding mission. You get the truth up front and then you know what it is that you really need to manage.

The advantage is that you can take a collaborative approach with your child on how to do it better the next time. You can spend your time discussing what got in the way of your child being successful and how can you, together, remove those obstacles. This is so much more relationship strengthening than trying to figure out whos telling the truth and who isnt and then doling out the appropriate punishment for the lie. Wouldnt you rather put an end to lying and get at the real source of the problem?

Try it and see if it helps. But dont do it if you would prefer not knowing!

Protect your Child’s Emotional Well-Being

admin — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:19:24 +0000

In our effort to balance very full and hectic lives with our families and our jobs, we may have been neglecting an all-important facet of our child’s life: their emotional well-being. The first three years of a child’s life is a critical time for a child, and the trauma of changing child care providers or having a ‘part-time’ parent float in and out of their life can be very traumatic and destabilizing for them. It’s imperative that parents, educators, involved adults and care providers make a concerted joint effort to ensure that a child’s emotional needs are met on a daily basis, just as their physical needs are. The effects of not meeting a child’s emotional needs, especially during the first three years of life, can have devastating consequences. Violent, disruptive or defiant behaviors can result.

The first three years of life are critical in a number of ways. This is when bonding and emotional separation takes place. If there are interruptions in either of these processes, misbehaviors from the child can result. This can later have an affect on their relationships later in life and hinder them in developing their own healthy relationships as adolescents or adults.

During the first three years of life, the brain goes through its most rapid development ever, the likes of which will never been experienced again. By the time they are three years old, a child’s brain is already ‘hardwired’ from the experiences they’ve had to that point. It’s imperative that these be loving, supportive, safe, positive experiences so the brain will be conditioned to expect positive things. If they’ve been frightening, hurtful, abusive, or dangerous, then the brain is conditioned to expect negative occurrences.

Therefore it’s critical that parents, caregivers and other involved adults make a concerted effort to make sure the child’s emotional needs are met in a positive, constructive and healthy manner. Parents should ensure that the child’s care providers are stable and consistent, and don’t move them around to different childcare providers during this important phase. Ensure a child feels safe and secure with structured and consistent schedules and routines. Be sure to spend as much quality time with your child at this time as possible, regardless of your otherwise busy and hectic lifestyle. A child can sense that such a schedule is stressful to you and it can become a frightening or confusing element for them. Therefore it’s important to take time out to reassure them that you’re never too busy for them.

Remember that your child’s emotional well-being is just as important as their physical, so do your part to ensure your child knows he’s growing up safe, secure, treasured and loved.

Present a Unified Parental Front When Disciplining your Child

admin — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:45:32 +0000

Disciplining your child is never easy. You probably know from experience and mistakes how important it is to be consistent, firm and to always follow through with designated disciplinary consequences. But when there are two parents involved, it’s crucial they are both on the same page and apply discipline consistently regardless of marital status.

Parents should agree on how to discipline their children. To become reliable to children, both parents must be consistent in dealing with similar situations. In a situation where the parents are separated or divorced, disagreeing with each other over upbringing can create a confusing situation for children. They should make a concerted effort to keep their child’s best interests at heart and sit down with their child and line out the rules and expectations and the consequences for violating those rules. Both should agree that the intended discipline is fair, and apply it consistently in a firm yet fair manner in each home.

In addition, if there are disagreements regarding discipline or other parenting issues, they are best resolved when the child is not present. If the child senses discord, they may attempt to manipulate the situation to their advantage.

When teaching good behavior, parents should “practice what they preach.” Children learn values and beliefs more by examples adults set than by verbal instructions. Screaming at a child to be quiet or paddling a child for hitting is hypocritical and ineffective. Decide what is important and what parental response to use to teach your child. It would be more effective to calmly tell your child to be quiet or use “time-out” when a child is physically aggressive.

And remember what works now may not work later down the road. Situations may dictate a different approach, and time and maturity may demand a child’s rule be modified or abolished altogether. Sometimes your common sense will help you decide when bedtime rules should be modified or table manners relaxed. Some rules will be the same, others will be modified or abolished, and new ones will be introduced. But regardless of the situation, parents should always present a unified front and work together and not against each other in providing effective discipline for their child.

The Process of Negotiating the Rules with your Child

admin — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 15:42:48 +0000

We all know as parents that discussing and negotiating the rules with our children is never easy. Children are all very different, and what might need to be a rule for one, may not even be an issue for another. That being said, there are many parameters that we set as parents that are the hard and fast rules – those with no ‘wiggle room.’ Those are the rules set forth to protect our child’s health, safety and well-being. These rules and their consequences should be very clearly defined and it should be understood by all involved that they are there for a very important reason and that they are ‘all or nothing.’

Rules that keep our children safe are of the utmost importance. These could include everything from teaching youngsters not to touch the hot stove to teaching your school aged child the importance of obeying the laws while riding their bicycle. Children need to understand these rules are to be followed to the letter and there is no room for negotiation here.

For adolescents and teenagers, such rules should include expectations about drinking, the use of illegal drugs, or safe defensive driving. These rules are also imperative to a child’s health, well-being and safety. There should be no room for experimentation or relaxing the rules in specific social situations.

There are rules that can be fairly and equitably negotiated with your children as well. Rules regarding how many hours per week can be spent on video game playing, what time a child is expected home for dinner, what time each night homework is to be completed, or how late a teenager is allowed to stay out on weekend nights are all rules that can be discussed openly and honestly between you and your child. These should also be consistent, however. Don’t’ allow 11 p.m. one weekend night and then tell your teenager 9:30 the following weekend night when going out with the same group of friends. If your teenager broke the 11 p.m. curfew the weekend before, the consequence of losing the privilege of going out that weekend should be strictly enforced. Don’t bend the rule just because your teenager seems genuinely sorry and promises never to do it again. Consequences should be consistent, fair, and always followed through.

Practical Ways to Teach a Child Responsible Behavior

admin — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 14:56:30 +0000

Responsible behavior doesnt come naturally; it is a learned trait. It is important for parents to teach their children responsible behavior at an early age; a healthy respect for the feelings of others, and a strong sense of right and wrong.

Combined with setting a good example and involvement in a young childs development of social skills, spend quality time with your child and instruct them about proper, responsible behavior. It can go a long way in helping to correct behavior problems that could lead to serious consequences down the road.

Everyday experiences are a parents best tool when it comes to teaching responsible behavior. Because this type behavior is a learned trait, it can become habit through repetitiveness.

Parents can effectively teach children with both words and deeds. Parents can always tell a child to respect others, and they may or may not comply in any given situation. But, when a parent consistently shows respect for others opinions, feelings, and possessions, they teach their children to do the same.

Actions + Words = Effective Training Methods

Our daily actions, attitudes, and social skills speak louder and much more effectively than words. As children watch what we do and ask questions, a golden opportunity is presented to teach valuable life-lessons.

Mommy, why did you let that old lady skip in front of us?

Because she had only a few things to buy and we have a full cartload. I didnt want her to have to stand in line for a long time.

Do you know her?

No. Ive never met her before.

Then how do you know she didnt want to wait in line.

Because she looked uncomfortable, and seemed to be in a hurry.

By exhibiting responsible, considerate behavior toward others, children learn from our actions. As we encourage questions and answer in ways that explain why we did something, children better understand and become more conscientious of other peoples needs instead of just their own.

Story TimeA Golden Opportunity to Teach Responsibility

Another good method for teaching children responsible behavior is with the use of stories. Most children are enthusiastic when it comes to having someone read them a story. Select books that teach life-lessons, and then discuss what was read. Encourage the child to ask questions, seeking the opportunity to emphasize good character traits, and the awareness that all actions good or bad will have consequences.

Every Day Presents Opportunities of Its Own

Consistency and application are keys when teaching small children about responsible behavior. Spend time with your child regularly. Encourage them to tell you about their day and things that happened; what they thought or felt, what they saw or heard, what they did or wanted to do. Use every opportunity to stimulate thoughts of awareness.

Put emphasis on positive feelings, emotions, and qualities such as bravery, thoughtfulness, compassion, honesty, kindness, etc. Help your children identify these traits in persons they know, characters they see on television, or people they read about. Help them to identify and cultivate these qualities in themselves. At the end of each day, ask, How were you honest today? or Tell me two ways you were considerate to someone else today.

Show Children How to Handle Negative Feelings Responsibly

Also help children explore acceptable ways to effectively deal with negative feelings such as anger, hurt, resentment, loneliness, etc. If a child expresses feelings of anger toward someone, avoid the urge to say that anger is wrong; instead, explore their feelings of anger with them.

Ask why they were angry, or ask them to tell you how angry they were. Help them understand that while it is natural to feel angry at times, how we express that anger is very important. There are acceptable ways to express anger, as well as unacceptable ways.

Tell them a story or cite an example of someone who experienced a particular negative feeling, then ask your child questions like, What should Becky have done when she got angry? or, Why do you think Eric was lonely? What could he have done about it?

Helping a child to understand the feelings of others as well as their own, and appropriate ways to express those feelings, are big strides toward learning responsible behavior.

By spending time with your child on a regular basis and teaching through example and discussion, you equip your child with good socialization skills, and cultivate responsible behaviors sure to benefit them and others around them for a lifetime.

2006 Lori S. Anton
Savvy Baby Gear Editor

Handling Conflict about Rules Enforcement at Home

admin — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 03:24:17 +0000

Some parents may worry that setting strict rules may distance them from their children. But this simply isn’t the case. Though they may gripe and complain and get upset when you become the enforcer, they realize deep down that this shows you care. These parameters you set forth and enforce make your child feel loved, safe, and secure.

It’s never easy developing and introducing rules. Parents may tend to avoid setting rules because they fear confrontation and unpleasantness. But the uncomfortable stuff isn’t necessarily a reflection on your relationship with your child, it’s just the nature of adolescence – breaking rules and pushing limits is a part of growing up. We tend to want to be our child’s friend sometimes, and when we’re laying down the law that just isn’t possible. Our primary role is to protect, nurture and provide for our children.

When kids break rules, parents often overreact with harsh, disproportionate and unenforceable punishment, which undermines the effectiveness of setting rules. Instead, when you first tell your child about a new rule, discuss the consequences of breaking that rule – what the punishment will be and how it will be carried out. Consequences must go hand in hand with limits so that your child knows what the cost of breaking the rules will be. The punishments you set should be reasonable and related to the violation. For example, if you catch your son and his friends smoking, you might “ground” him by restricting his social activities for two weeks.

Punishments should only involve penalties you discussed before the rule was broken. Also, never issue empty threats. It’s understandable that you’ll be angry when house rules are broken, and sharing your feelings of anger, disappointment, or sadness can have a powerfully motivating effect on your child. Since we’re all more inclined to say things we don’t mean when we’re upset, it’s sometimes best to give ourselves a time-out period to cool off before we say something we don’t mean.

Make the ground rules crystal clear to your child. It’s imperative that you are consistent and follow through with a defined disciplinary action after each infraction, and that your child understands the reasons why.

Expect Only the Best from Your Child

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:12:21 +0000

Expect Only the Best from Your Child
Expect the best from your child. If you expect the best behavior and performance you’re your child, it’s often what you will get. Children pick up on our beliefs about them, form a self-concept that matches that belief, and perform accordingly. If we expect them to be lazy, they’ll be lazy, which will confirm our expectations for them, and the cycle toward failure is started. If, on the other hand, we expect our kids to be successful, productive, creative, and responsible and honestly believe it to be true, then our children can’t help but rise to the occasion and confirm our best opinions of them with their positive actions. So expect nothing but the best from your children and watch them fulfill your expectations.
Praise your child often when they perform a good deed or accomplish a new task. Set simple, clear and consistent rules so your child knows exactly what is expected and the consequences of misbehaving or breaking the rules. Maintain a consistent daily routine for your child as much as possible, and make sure your child gets lots of physical activity and time to play and socialize with their friends. Encourage your child to learn how to make appropriate choices, and encourage your child to do things for themselves. Allow your child to talk about strong feelings, which will help them work through their anger and frustration.
Above all, be a positive role model for your child, as their strongest educator is your example. Take care of yourself, and expect the best from yourself. Make appropriate choices and be firm yet fair when disciplining your child. Make sure to spend lots of quality time with your child, and encourage them to become involved in activities that foster cooperation and a sense of accomplishment. If you have great expectations of your child, you’ll be greatly pleased in the end.

Find info on your childrens health » Consequences

The Truth about Lying

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The Keys to Effective Discipline

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Stop Lying Now

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