The Truth about Lying
Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies.
Young children often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy. This is probably more a result of an active imagination than an attempt to deliberately lie about something.
An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving, such as denying responsibility or to try and get out of a chore or task. Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.
Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents.
Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss the difference between make believe and reality, and lying and telling the truth. They should open an honest line of communication to find out exactly why the child chose to tell a lie, and to discuss alternatives to lying. A parent should lead by example and never lie, and when they are caught in a lie, express remorse and regret for making a conscious decision to tell a lie. Clear, understandable consequences for lying should be discussed with the child early on.
However, some forms of lying are cause for concern, and might indicate an underlying emotional problem. Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.
Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. A serious repetitive pattern of lying should be cause for concern. Consult a professional adolescent or child psychologist to find out whether help is needed.
There are three skills that are very important for our little ones to learn early in their lives.
1) Children need to be able to fall asleep on their own. Infants and toddlers who are always rocked to sleep, or breastfed or bottle fed to sleep, learn to depend upon others for falling asleep and do not develop their own falling asleep mechanism. This can cause much distress for parents who go through the nightly nightmare of trying to get their infant or toddler to sleep. Instead of always picking up and rocking a crying little one, which only reinforces the childs dependency on you putting him or her to sleep, try patting the child and then leaving for a few minutes. If you keep coming in, patting your child and reassuring him or her that you are here, eventually your child will stop depending upon you to rock, hold or feed him or her to sleep.
2) Children need to learn very young to play by themselves and amuse themselves. It is not healthy for children to be constantly dependent upon others, or upon the TV, to amuse them. I work with many adults who never learned to play by themselves. These adults feel lost when they are alone, having no idea what to do with themselves. Instead of turning to creative or learning opportunities, they may participate in addictions such as eating, drinking, drugs, TV, work, spending, and so on. When children learn to play by themselves at a young age, they tend to be more self-sufficient and creative as adult.
3) Children need to learn how to self-nurture. This means that they need to learn how to take some responsibility for their own feelings. Infants often self-soothe with their blanket, thumb, or pacifier. But as they grow older, they need to learn other ways of self-nurturing because they will not be taking their blanket or pacifier to school.
Even children as young as 2 1/2 years old can learn to attend to their own feelings. You can help your young children start to take responsibility for their feelings by giving them a doll or stuffed animal that represents their emotions. You can tell them that the doll or stuffed animal is the baby inside them that has a lot of different emotions. When they are feeling sad or angry, they can learn to talk to the baby inside and find out what that baby needs from them or from you. As they get older, they can learn to connect their thoughts with their feelings. They can learn that if they judge themselves by telling themselves that they are bad or stupid or ugly, they will feel very badly.
It is vitally important for all of us to connect our thoughts with our feelings. Most of us grew up believing that others caused all our good and painful feelings. If someone yelled at us or told us we were bad or stupid or ugly, we certainly felt badly, and if someone approved of us, we felt good. So we learned to believe that all our feelings are being caused by others. It is important for children to learn that their feelings are also affected by what they tell themselves and how they treat themselves. For example, if an older brother tells his younger brother that he is stupid, the younger child might start to tell himself he is stupid, without realizing that he is causing himself to feel very badly. By talking with his baby, he might realize he is treating himself in a way that is hurting him.
He also might also be able to understand that his brother is not telling him the truth. The way he can learn to realize this is by learning to access his Source of Love and Truth.
Small children can easily learn to open to a powerful Source of Love and Truth. You can ask them to imagine a wonderful friend, a guardian angel, or a fairy godmother. It is very easy for most children to imagine a wonderful being who is here to love them and guide them. They can be encouraged to ask questions of this loving being, such as Is it true that I am stupid? They can learn to bring through true and loving statements to themselves when they open to learning with their spiritual Guidance.
These skills, learned early in life, will do much to foster personal responsibility in our children.
Tags: Adult, Adults, Drugs, Feelings, Few Minutes, Infant Sleep, Infant Toddler, Infants And Toddlers, Little Ones, Nightmare, Pacifier, Parents, Personal Responsibility, Sleep, Sleep 2, Thumb, Toddler Sleep, Tv WorkRelated posts
Tired Of The Mess? Tips To Keep Your Child’s Room Neat
Wanting your child to be organized and stay safe is an innate desire for parents. But sometimes, your kids dont see it that way. All your kids want to do is play, play and play some more! If youre having a hard time keeping your childs room clean and organized, read on for some tips to help you achieve your goal.
Make the room efficient. Make use of small drawers and cabinets where you can put your childs belongings. Utilize anything that fits the design or budget. The easier it to access, the better chance that it will be used.
For toddlers, hanging their clothes on small hangers on a low hung rod can help them choose their outfit and help them to feel like they are making their own decisions. These feelings help them to start to like how things work, and as they grow they will like having their clothes hung.
Organizing a babys room is mostly for the benefit of the parent. Grouping the essential things you need in one area will help you find things quicker and make the job of caring for your baby much easier and safer. For example, put all the items you need for changing your baby on or near your changing table. You never want to leave your baby on the table to move across the room to pick up something thats out of place, and having to pick him up to do that is quite a pain as well. Likewise, arrange babys bath basics together including towels and washcloths. Keep them within easy reach when you are bathing your baby. After all, you cannot leave your baby in her tub while you look for the baby shampoo.
Place shelves at reaching height for your child in his or her room. Shelves can be used to put toys on and when your child wants to play, she can easily reach them without having to drag out all the other toys.
Place a limit on the toys that are used at one time. Teach your child to play with one toy at a time. Then before she can play with another toy, she must put the first one away. If its on a shelf thats at a level where she can easily access it, this job should be an easy one, she just may have to be reminded that the first toy has to be put back before the second one can be taken out.
Make organizing and keeping the room clean fun. Make using special containers for toys with small pieces a fun part of playing with that toy. For example, use an old shoebox as a toy car garage. Another example of making organization fun would be to place a basketball hoop on top of your little boys laundry hamper. Hell be able to practice some basketball moves every time he changes his clothes.
Teach your child how to clean his room. Ask your child to join you when you are cleaning his room. Point out that there is a place for everything and keeping the room clean is as easy as putting every item back in its place. As long as you dont let the room get too out of hand, cleaning will be easy. Eventually, you can transition to sitting on the bed and telling your child what needs to be done. Then later, he will know what to do without you being there.
Keeping a childs room clean can truly be a daunting task, but cleaning as you go and keeping organized makes it a lot easier. Follow the tips above and start to get in a habit, it takes practice and some time before you see results but its well worth the effort.
Tags: Baby Shampoo, Babys Room, Belongings, Benefit, Better Chance, Budget, Cabinets, Changing Table, Clothes, Decisions, Drawers, Essential Things, Feelings, Hangers, Hard Time, Innate Desire, Parents, Shelves, Toddlers, TowelsRelated posts
Most of us really dont like it when someone is angry at us. We dont like it when people go into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We dont like it when people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We dont like it when people make demands on us and do not respect our right or need to say no. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid the soul loneliness and pain we feel when people treat us in angry, resistant, demanding and uncaring ways.
It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our childrens anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. The more we deny our own truth and our own needs and feelings, the more our children will disrespect and discount us. Our children become a mirror of our own behavior, discounting us when we discount ourselves, disrespecting us when we disrespect ourselves. The more we give ourselves up to avoid our childrens unloving behavior toward us, the more we become objectified as the all-giving and loving parent who doesnt need anything for ourselves. When we do this, we are role-modeling being a caretaker.
On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and our children to expect our children to take responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to demand that our children give themselves up to prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It is unloving to demand that they be the way we want them to be rather than who they are. It is unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, rather than limits that support their health and safety. When we behave in this way, we are role-modeling being a taker.
The challenge of good parenting is to find the balanced between being there for our children and being there for ourselves, as well as the balance between freedom and responsibility – to be personally responsible to ourselves rather than be a taker or a caretaker.
Our decisions need to be based on what is in the highest good of our children as well as ourselves. If a child wants something that is not in our highest good to give, then it is not loving to give it. If we want something that is not in the highest good of our children, then it is not loving for us to expect it. It is loving to support our childrens freedom to choose what they want and to be themselves, as long as it doesnt mean giving ourselves up. Children do not learn responsible behavior toward others when their parents discount their own needs and feelings to support what their children want. Our own freedom to choose what we want and to be ourselves needs to be just as important to us as our childrens freedom and desires.
On the other hand, if we always put our needs before our childrens, we are behaving in a self-centered, narcissistic way that limits our childrens freedom. We are training our children to be caretakers, to give themselves up for others needs and not consider their own.
The challenge of loving parenting is to role-model behavior that is personally responsible, rather than being a taker or caretaker. This is our best chance for bringing up personally responsible children. However, we need to remember that we can do everything right as a parent, but our children are on their own path, their own souls journey. They will make their own choices to be loving or unloving, responsible or irresponsible. We can influence their choices, but we cant control them. They have free will, just as we do, to choose who they want to be each moment of their lives. All we can do is the very best we can to role-model loving, personally responsible behavior – behavior that supports our own and our childrens highest good.
Tags: Anger, Caretaker, Courage, Disrespect, Fears, Feelings, Good Parenting, Health And Safety, Loneliness, Love, Loving Parent, Mirror, People, Resistance, TruthRelated posts
Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and written books on parenting and relationships, Ive discovered that one of the greatest challenges for us as parents is to be loving role-models for our children, showing our children through our behavior how to take personal responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Our children need to learn from our role-modeling how to nurture themselves within and how to create a sense of safety in the world. In families where both a mother and father are present, both parents can participate in nurturing the child emotionally and taking care of the child in the world, and both parents can role-model what it looks like to do this for themselves.
Single parents have a far greater challenge – they have to be both mother and father to the child. Mothering energy is that energy that nurtures while fathering energy is that energy that protects in the world – that is, earning money, setting boundaries with others, speaking up for oneself. While our society often defines women as the nurturers and men as the protectors, both men and women are capable of both nurturing and protecting in the world.
In order for a single parent to successfully be both mother and father, he or she must have learned how to be both mother and father to the Child within. In other words, we have to have learned how to nurture our own Inner Child – how to take responsibility for our own fears, pain, anger, hurt, and disappointment, and how to take care of our Inner Child in the world – earn money, set boundaries, and so on. There is no way to successfully teach our children these skills until we are doing them ourselves, which means that each of us needs to be in a process of learning how to do this.
We have developed a process that teaches us how to care for and nurture ourselves, while also loving others. This process, called Inner Bonding, teaches us how to become a loving Adult to our own Inner Child and to our actual children. Inner Bonding is a six-step psychospiritual process that can be learned and practiced daily, and that leads to the development of a spiritually-connected loving inner Adult.
Inner Bonding defines the Inner Child as our core self, who we are when we are born – our natural creativity, intuition, playfulness, imagination, talents, feelings, and ability to love. Our Child is our inner experience. Our Adult is everything we learn after we are born. It is our thoughts, beliefs, and ability to take action. We start learning how to be an Adult from the moment we are born through watching our parents and other caregivers. The Adult we learn to be is a child-adult, the part of us that learned many fears and false beliefs and learned addictive ways, such as using substances, TV, spending, anger, or compliance to avoid pain. A true loving Adult is that part of us that is spiritually connected to a Higher Source of truth and love and is able to bring that truth and love down into the Child and share it with others. The adult many of us operate from most of the time is really a wounded child masquerading as an adult. It is our unhealed wounded self that causes us problems with ourselves and our children. Inner Bonding is a process for healing the wounded self and developing a spiritually-connected loving Adult.
In Inner Bonding, there are only two possible intents at any given moment: the intent to learn about love and the intent to protect against and avoid pain. The intent to learn says that we want to learn about our own pain in order to understand what we need to do to be loving to our Inner Child and others; The intent to protect says that we want to avoid experiencing our pain at all cost. The child-adult is always in the intent to protect and the loving Adult is always in the intent to learn.
The six-steps of Inner Bonding are:
1. The willingness to become aware of our pain rather than protect against it with our various addictions.
2. The conscious decision to move into the intent to learn.
3. Dialoguing with our wounded self to discover the false beliefs and resulting behavior behind the pain. Releasing anger and pain in appropriate ways.
4. Dialoguing with our Higher Power to learn about truth and loving behavior.
5. Taking loving action in behalf or our Inner Child.
6. Evaluating the action.
All parents needs to be in a process of healing themselves. It is particularly important for single parents to be in this process since they are the primary role-models for their children. The more you heal the fears and false beliefs of your wounded self, the more loving you will naturally be with yourself and your children. Learning to utilize these six step throughout the day, especially in times of anger, fear, anxiety and stress, will eventually heal the false beliefs leading to these difficult feelings.
Tags: 35 Years, Anger, Bondi, Challenges, Disappointment, Earning Money, Fears, Feelings, Inner Child, Loving Others, Men And Women, Mother And Father, Nurtures, Personal Responsibility, Role Models, Set Boundaries, Setting Boundaries, Single Parent, Single Parenting, Single ParentsRelated posts
Angie grew up in a family where she was the caretaker. The oldest of four, Angie was the only member of her family capable of deep caring, empathy and compassion. As a result, she was always attempting to protect her brother and sisters from her fathers physical and emotional abuse. Even her mother learned to turn to her for help and protection. Because everyone learned to rely on Angie, when things didnt turn out the way they wanted, Angie was the one they blamed.
Angie became an invisible child. Because of her acute sensitivity to others feelings and needs, her feelings and needs went unnoticed. Everyone in her family wanted to take from her, but no one wanted to give to her. Angie was not a happy child.
As an adult, Angie did much inner healing work. She discovered that she had been ignoring her own feelings and needs while caretaking others. As she learned to take loving care of herself and let go of taking responsibility for everyone elses feelings and needs, her family became furious with her. How dare she take care of herself instead of them! The blame that Angie had always experienced from her family intensified. Nothing Angie said had any impact on her familys behavior toward her. They refused to support her in taking care of herself. They just wanted her back in the old system.
Angie finally decided that, although she loved her family, she needed to disengage from them. She realized that it was not loving to herself to allow her family to continue to treat her badly. She was unwilling to continue the old family system, and she realized that she had no control over how her family treated her. Angie broke almost all communication with her family for three years.
Of course, this caused her parents and siblings to blame her even more. During the few times that Angie communicated with her mother, the hostility was extreme. What is the matter with you? Have you gone nuts? How can you abandon your family? You are being so selfish! Dont you care about us? Angie knew that it was useless to try to explain. Her mother didnt really want to know the answers to these questions she just wanted to have control over Angie.
It took three years before anyone in her family started to treat Angie with any sense of respect. It took three years before they accepted that they could no longer treat her badly if they wanted a relationship with her. Presently, Angie has a much better relationship with her family. While they will never have the deep caring and compassion for her that she has for them, they no longer expect her to take responsibility for their feelings and needs, and they no longer blame her for the problems that arise.
The question of disengaging from ones family, or from a particular member of the family, often comes up in my counseling work with individuals and couples. Many people have been taught that it is wrong to pull away from ones family that one should keep the family unit intact at all costs. Many people have been taught that it is loving to sacrifice themselves for their family, and selfish to take care of themselves.
The problem with these beliefs is that it gives a person, who is being blamed and disrespected by their family, no way out. Many of the people I work with, who have problems with their families, know that they would never allow a stranger to treat them the way their family treats them. Yet they feel afraid if they think about speaking up for themselves, and guilty if they think about disengaging from an emotionally abusive family relationship.
Sometimes the most loving act, both for oneself and for others, is to disengage from an abusive relationship. It is not loving to ourselves to allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully, and it is not loving to others to allow them to treat us disrespectfully. Angies whole family is much better off today than before she disengaged, even though they were furious at her for it. Angie was actually being very loving to them by expecting them to treat her with caring and respect.
Tags: Acute Sensitivity, Adult, Angie, Brother And Sisters, Caretaker, Compassion, Emotional Abuse, Empathy, Feelings, Happy Child, Hostility, Inner Healing, Invisible Child, Loving Care, Nuts, Parents, Siblings, Taking ResponsibilityRelated posts
What I am about to tell you may save the life of your child. In today’s world the safety and well-being of your teenager depends on his awareness and knowledge of sex.
It is critical that you, as a responsible and loving parent address that issue in detail. Here are some key questions to broach the subject, to let your child know you care and want the best for him.
Recognize he may be reluctant to speak about something so personal with you if you are not accustomed to sharing feelings and intimate topics. You may feel embarrassed bringing up the subject.
Before you do, be sure you can answer these questions for yourself. Also, decide what you are comfortable sharing about your personal experiences and beliefs on the subject of teen sexuality and activity.
* To start, simply ask your teenager, “What kind of questions do you have or what do you want to know more about regarding sex?” You will certainly grab his attention.
* You may want to throw out some information he is unlikely to know, something like, “Do you know that the sex partners you choose can influence your vulnerability to certain types of cancer?”
The object here is to get your child talking-or at least willing to talk. He may tell you he knows everything he needs to know. Where do you go from there?
* Ask, “Do you know that sex is not the same thing as love?” Watch his face for acknowledgement, disagreement, or confusion. Follow up with, “Sex is physical while love is emotional”.
Listen to him. Pay attention to what he says and to the words he does not speak. Notice his body language, hear the underlying message, the words between the lines, his tone, word choice and pace. Note his emotions, eye contact, and whether he is at ease or trying to conceal any discomfort.
If you do observe that he is uncomfortable, tell him you noticed and ask if he wants to talk about what is bothering him. Assure him that you are not here to judge him.
Most important, let him know you are having this talk because you love him and no matter what he has done or is thinking about doing, he is safe talking with you. Tell him nothing can change your love for him.
And then go where he takes you. If he chooses to be silent, let him be silent. It is okay to have silence. You do not need to speak. He may be processing.
Give him the time and space he needs to do what he needs to do. He knows you are available when he wants to talk.
Facts are key. If he has unanswered questions, where can he go for accurate information? The streets, his friends, and the media may not be the best place to find what he seeks on the subject of sex.
* Be sure you ask your child, “Do you know that protection is not a 100% guarantee of health, safety or an absolute deterrent to pregnancy?” Be sure he knows the consequences of the actions he may or may not take.
* Follow-up with, “Do you want help or advice in obtaining protection?” That question is especially important for girls who may want to see a gynecologist and may not know how to find a good one who can take care of her needs.
If your teen uses the Internet, know that more than 61,000 searches were done in the month of April on phrases dealing with teen pornography. What pages is your child visiting? Ask. Know that if you impose your will he will go elsewhere to pursue his desires. Build trust with your teenager.
The purpose in having this talk is education. I do not, in any way, shape, or form, advocate teen sex. However, statistics show that youngsters as young as 13 engage in sexual activity. Have the talk now.
When hormones and peer pressure kick in, a wise and educated youngster, who has previously given thought to and made decisions about his actions, has a better chance of living the life he wants than one who has not prepared himself for the inevitable emotions and situations that will come up in life.
Actions and results, desirable and undesirable, reflect self esteem. To change behaviors, treat the cause not just the symptoms.
What is the cost, to you and to him, of not knowing where your teenager stands on sex?
Tags: Acknowledgement, Body Language, Certain Types Of Cancer, Confusion, Disagreement, Emotions, Eye Contact, Feelings, Loving Parent, Pace, Personal Experiences, Sex Partners, Sex Questions, Teen Sexuality, Teenager, Teens And Sex, Teens Sex, Types Of Cancer, Vulnerability, Word ChoiceRelated posts
I am commonly asked questions like “Why is my teenager always angry with me?” Parents DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Teenagers are generally not angry with you they are just plain angry. This anger can vary from resentment right through to actual rage. What you are seeing is not the anger itself but a behavior.
The emotion is the anger, but what we see is the reaction to the anger that is the behavior.
Some Teens withdraw and repress their anger whilst others may become violent and destroy property or physically aggressive to other people.
You, the adult need to understand that teenage anger is an emotion not a behavior. So, the teen doesn’t have to act out their behaviors in the way they do. The anger is frequently triggered by something going on in their life and this may be as simple as being unable to do a math problem. They may get up and walk along the corridor and punch the wall or kick a trash can, but they are NOT ANGRY WITH YOU.
This anger is usually with themselves and some perceived inadequacy. They are fearful and in this case it is the fear of failure. Your teen is on an emotional roller coaster dealing with issues of identity, relationships, the future, and all their hormones are going crazy at the same time. Understand this and you are able to accept that when your teen is angry it is generally not aimed at you. Regularly your teen is frustrated and angry with themselves. It’s really important that you the parent, don’t react to the teen with your own anger – because this just sets up a pattern of reactive behavior from parent to teen, going back and forth and ultimately achieving nothing positive. This is the time that people say things that they don’t mean and the situation gets out of control. In this situation it is essential to remember you are the adult, so stop reacting. You need to focus on what your teen is feeling, and this is a way of defusing their anger. At this time your teen needs some acknowledgement of their feelings. So what I want you to do when this occurs is respond starting with the word “you”. It is very easy for us to fall into the pattern of “I can’t stand it when you.. ” , “I told you to…”. These are both statements in which you are responding with anger, so i want you to focus on them and their needs and commence with “you”. For example, “you sound really frustrated”, “you seem really distressed” or “you seem really angry today”. We all know how much better we feel when someone else acknowledges our feelings. “You’re really sad today”. After you have acknowledged their feelings it is important that you let go of the situation and at another time when the teen is not highly emotive address the issues. For example; ask them if they had any warning signs that they were getting angry and could soon lose self control. Often before a teen (or adult for that matter) loses control and the anger escalated into something quite ferocious, they usually find that they are clenching their fists, shaking their legs, tapping their foot or possibly they develop sweaty palms. of course each person has a different sign. If your teen acknowledges for instance that they get sweaty palms just prior to an angry outburst you can assist them in finding a less destructive activity to do when their palms sweat. Relieving the pent up emotion for example with a run around the block, a swim, a shower, reciting a poem etc. They can now identify when their anger is escalating from the emotion into an unacceptable behavior. To learn more about coping or communicating with your teen visit http://www.inspireuonline.com/ or directly ask Fiona a question go to http://www.justaskfiona.com/
Tags: Acknowledgement, Adult Need, Anger, Emotion, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fear Of Failure, Feelings, Hormones, Inadequacy, Math Problem, Parenting Tips, Parents, Rage, Relationships, Resentment, Teenage Parenting, Teenager, Teenagers, TrashRelated posts
Teaching children is not an easy task. And yet, it is one of the most important responsibilities you hold as parents. It cannot and must not be delegated to others. But then, you may feel loss, inadequate or ill prepared to teach. Looking at the countless programs and methods available in the child education market, you may feel like you need a PhD in this area if you are to succeed. Then there are the other excuses too like I have to work and don’t have the time, or I don’t have the patience.
Well, here is your wake up call. Teaching can be simple, effective and doable. Reading to your children and using stories to teach is a technique that is within the capabilities of everyone. When we read to our children, we do not confine them to academic excellence but also extend into their emotional and behavioral learning.
The following are 5 reasons why using stories to teach is effective:
1.The child doesn’t feel threatened. It’s not another lecture.
When we read to our children, we are able to address a situation in a non-threatening way. What do I mean by threatening? Let’s take a look at some examples of habitual phrases we tend to use when teaching our lesson:
- You shouldn’t lie.
- You are so messy.
- You shouldn’t be scared. You are just being silly.
- You are not listening to me.
Usually this is done in a blaming or angry tone of voice. When we finger point and use the word you, children hear negative and the situation becomes tense. Some may even become defensive. Put yourselves in their shoes. If someone were to start attacking you with words, would you be in a teachable mood? I would think not. Rather than focusing on the solutions to the problems, children are focusing on their feelings of anger, hurt, fear etc… that they are experiencing at that moment.
Using stories to teach, we take out the blame and place less emphasis on the problem. We talk and discuss solutions and speak positively. So instead of a lecture, we now have a healthy discussion.
2.Working on prevention and cure.
When we use stories to teach, we can help our children work through situations they are currently experiencing. It also allows us to mentally prepare them for situations that may arise. Children gain experience vicariously through the stories we read. Children are able to learn from vicarious experience just as well as they learn from real ones. The only difference is that this kind of learning takes place in the safety of your home. For example, you could use a book about being bullied to teach your child what to do if and when they face such a situation.
3.The child has a model to follow. They identify with the characters in the book.
Children make connections with the characters of the stories you relate. You can help them further by asking questions such as:
Is there anyone in the book who reminds you of yourself?
- How is that character like you?
- Which character would you like to be?
- Why would you want to be that character?
- Relate the lesson to their own lives and experiences: Like the little pig who build a house of bricks (in the story of the Three Little Pigs), what would you do make your house strong?
After reading the story of The Little Engine That Could, my daughter began to identify herself with the Little Blue Engine who said I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. It served to be a good model for her to follow at times when she felt inadequate.
4.Children remember stories better than they remember reprimands. It’s a good way to catch their attention.
In Making Connections: Teaching and the Human Brain (Addison-Wesley, 1994), Renate and Geoffery Caine states, “There is strong reason to believe that organization of information in story form is a natural brain process… In a nutshell, neuroscience is discovering that the brain is wired to organize, retain and access information through story. If that is true, then teaching through story means that students will be able to remember what is taught, access that information, and apply it more readily.
Maybe this is why children can rattle off dialogs from their favorite shows but can’t remember what mom said about picking up their toys.
5.Allows for critical thinking.
Stories are a safe way for children to explore emotions and behaviors. A book like Jane Simmons’ Come Along, Daisy, encourages children to think about the importance of keeping close to parents when out and about . Use thought provoking questions that will lead them to identify problems and feelings such as How did Daisy get separated from her mother? and What was Daisy feeling when she found her mother missing?
The best kind of teaching you can employ is to teach our children to be authors of solutions. Ask leading questions that will underscore the point of the story such as How can Daisy avoid getting lost in the future? What a boost it will be to your children to know they can come up with such genius solutions.
Reading and sharing stories with your children can help you become a better parent. It opens the channel of communication and strengthens the parent-child bond. The magic of stories can be a powerful influence for good. Does that magic exist in your home? Start reading to your child today.
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The Importance of a Regular Routine to your Child
Regular schedules provide the day with a structure that orders a young child’s world. Although predictability can be tiresome for adults, children thrive on repetition and routine. Schedules begin from the first days of life. Babies, especially, need regular sleep and meal programs and even routines leading up to those activities.
As they gets older, when a child knows what is going to happen and who is going to be there, it allows them to think and feel more independently, and feel more safe and secure. A disrupted routine can set a child off and cause them to feel insecure and irritable.
Dinnertime is a great place to start setting a routine. Sitting together at the dinner table gives children the opportunity to share their day and talk about their feelings. This is also a great time to include some responsibility in your child’s routine, such as helping to set or clear the table.
And regardless of how exhausted you or your children may be, don’t be tempted to skip winding down from the day. This is part of a nighttime ritual and allows both child and parent to decompress after a busy day. It also helps bedtime go more smoothly. This is usually the time of day when parent and child can spend some quality time together, so fight the urge to start the laundry or do the dishes until after the child has gone to bed. If this isn’t possible, consider trading off these duties with your spouse each night to ensure your child has quality time with each parent on a regular basis. Take the time to find out what wind-down strategy works best for your child. Some children are actually energized instead of relaxed by a warm bath, so if that’s the case with your child, bath time should be saved for a different time of day. Whatever routine you settle on, make it quiet, relaxing, and tranquil for everyone.
And though routines are essential, there should be some room to be flexible as well. You might be out late at night on a family outing, have unexpected company show up that may result in a skipped meal or nap in the car while running errands in the evening. In these instances, it’s important for you to keep your cool. If you express frustration or anger about disrupting the routine, your child will as well. Prepare children for such unexpected events and show them that though it can happen from time to time, the routine will return the next day.